How to make LaTeX see local texmf tree

Untested, since I don't have the setup that you do. Try the following:

 tlmgr conf texmf TEXMFHOME "~/Library/texmf:~/texmf"

And see if that works. Normally this would be run with sudo but since you don't have admin access, I'm assuming that running it without will work for you.

When you install TeX Live, there is a bunch of path settings that you can modify:

<D> directories:
  TEXDIR (the main TeX directory):
    /usr/local/texlive/2011
  TEXMFLOCAL (directory for site-wide local files):
    /usr/local/texlive/texmf-local
  TEXMFSYSVAR (directory for variable and automatically generated data):
    /usr/local/texlive/2011/texmf-var
  TEXMFSYSCONFIG (directory for local config):
    /usr/local/texlive/2011/texmf-config
  TEXMFVAR (personal directory for variable and automatically generated data):
    ~/.texlive2011/texmf-var
  TEXMFCONFIG (personal directory for local config):
    ~/.texlive2011/texmf-config
  TEXMFHOME (directory for user-specific files):
    ~/texmf

You can easily change TEXMFHOME during installation to point to your desired destination like ~/Library/texmf with both command-line and GUI installer. If you are already past that point, you can find a file texmf.cnf on top level folder where you installed TeX Live (next to texmf-whatever trees). If not, just create a new one. Change (or create) the line with TEXMFHOME to:

TEXMFHOME = ~/Library/texmf

MacTeX sets (redefines) the following variables inside texmf.cnf:

% (Public domain.)
% ...
TEXMFHOME = ~/Library/texmf
TEXMFVAR = ~/Library/texlive/2011/texmf-var
TEXMFCONFIG = ~/Library/texlive/2011/texmf-config

You could do the same if you want identical locations as in MacTeX, but I would not advise you to touch TEXMFVAR after installation is over or at least you should better move folders from old location to the new one.

For personal installation I would advise you to select the portable installation anyway and only change TEXMFHOME.

Please note that Alan Munn's suggestion with

> tlmgr conf texmf TEXMFHOME "~/Library/texmf:~/texmf"
setting texmf TEXMFHOME to ~/Library/texmf:~/texmf (in /path/to/your/texlive/texmf.cnf)

does exactly the same (except the triviality that it sets search path to two different folders) in a user-friendly way, provided that you can remember that command. I find it easier to simply edit the configuration file (or reinstall TeX Live if I screw up other settings as well :).

Try running kpsewhich -var-value TEXMFLOCAL to see where TeX thinks your local texmf tree should be.